In the beginning, we were amazing. Too perfect almost. You know the time when everything is awesome, lovely, and you are certain that your partner grows unicorns in their hair? The time when people roll their eyes at your new, annoying, overly affectionate love? The kind when you have never spent any time apart? That was us. In the first two years, maybe three, of our relationship, we spent no less than two nights apart. We were engaged after three months of dating. We had a kid by our third year together. Recipe for disaster? Maybe, but none of this was ever totally intentional. We are both just incredibly intense persons; when we do something, we want to do it all the way, or not at all. It makes sense that we were this sort of couple in the beginning.
I can't argue that it was a little unhealthy; we became so dependent on one another that we began to lose our individuality. We didn't realize that coupledom needs individuality. In order for a relationship to be great? You need to have your own identity. So we struggled, as we both lost ourselves, and then dealt with the impact of the loss of our former selves. We threw a baby into the mix, which caused more transitions for us. We floundered as we tried to figure out this new baby, and our new selves. There was, honestly, a lot of resentment with each other. We broke up and made up, we fought and cried. We crawled through the proverbial mud, desperate to figure out if we could still find a way to make this relationship work.
The biggest issue with starting out with that much intensity is the immense disappointment when it ends. Because it does. There will always be a lull, there will be some point when you look at your partner and think, "What am I doing?" There will be days when you'll be glad to see them go to work, and days when you'll pace by the door ready for them to arrive home. Sometimes you love each other more than you ever thought possible, and other times, you'll loathe the sight of them. There will be times when you will ashamed of how selfish you've been, or regret those words you said in frustration. Then there will be times when you just can't stop thinking how damn lucky you got. Occasionally, you'll go through this thinking in the space of one day, even one hour.
Marriage is not what they tell you. It's blood, sweat, tears occasionally with little pay off. Sometimes, it's just awesome.
We're edging closer to a decade together. We've got into a routine that's comfortable, a little dull (very dull), and sometimes we just forget how important our relationship is. We've finally figured out how to communicate with each other. We've finally figured out that we are severely different. We've finally figured out that it's okay. Yet, we're stuck. How do you rekindle that blind passion when you've hit that milestone in your relationship where you are the same, yet different, and still together?
So, I suggested to The Hubby last night that we do a month long challenge. Of course, he was eager to oblige. I told him that I hoped it would bring out that passion again, or at the very least connect us a little differently, and help us get back to those organic roots of understanding what the other needs.
For the next month, we're going to have sex every day. Yes, 31 days of sex.
Let me be honest. Our sex life, as we've struggled, as suffered astronomically. I blame myself. Between feeling very un-sexy, and my issue with physical affection from childhood abuse, I struggle to be intimate. It's hard. It's vulnerable and when you are not having the greatest time in your marriage, it's difficult to make an excuse to have sex. It is for me anyway.
|Image Credit: Jean Koulev|
I wasn't thinking any of those things. I just was so angry with our emotional relationship that I couldn't be bothered to be loving with him in a sexual way. I thought he wasn't interested in me, and I thought he didn't find me sexy. We began to drift, further and further apart, and when that happened? It got terribly ugly.
So we're trying this. Not out of obligation, but because we just want to re-ignite our relationship. What better place to start than with sex? Even on the days when we're not connecting, it gives a reason to connect, to do something for the other person, and to maybe even take out our frustrations a little.
I'll be doing weekly updates on the blog, but will be tweeting about this experience on Twitter as well with the hashtag #MamasideSexChallenge. Talk to me about your experiences with sex in your marriage, what you've done to get past the dry patches. What do you do to spice up your love life? What about your sex life? If you have kids, how did it change your relationship? What sorts of things make your partner sexy?
Ready? Set? Let's get sexy! (say it like Sean Connery for a laugh).