Do Not Do This When Moving

We're moved. We're settled, mostly. We're still recovering from the two, almost three days of insane moving ordeal. You know, like your husband having to drive four hours away to get the moving van? Or finding out your can't lift the sofa with only two people, one of which is a klutz and has a bad knee. For now, we enjoy our living room with camping chairs.

In the mean time, I present to you a moving list of don'ts. You can find a million lists of things you should do while getting ready for a move. No, I won't bore you with that sort of list, because you can google it and find something that will surely be better and more in depth.

Go ahead, you can laugh at me, or with me as you read, I won't mind.

1. Do Not Pack The Kitchen Last 

My dear, sweet, darling husband argued until he was blue in the face that it was a good idea to leave the kitchen until last. In the aisle of WalMart, I bargained with him. I told him it was the wrong idea. I told him that I did not want to be racing to pack it all up- it always happens that way. He was stubborn, I wanted to get out of WalMart, so I caved.

No, I'm not writing this so I can scrunch my face up at him, and then stick out my tongue. Guys, I already did that. I'm writing this, so you know, when you move, don't pack your kitchen up last. You  know what happens in the last two days of packing?

A lot of throwing of all the things, into all the places, and hoping that you'll remember just a little bit where you put them, or that they don't break, because you didn't have the time or patience for wrapping them. Instead of that being, let's say stuffed animals, it was our kitchen.

I spent the last two hours of our time in our old place, the time I wanted to spend graciously wandering around, reminiscent about all the love and laughter we shared, throwing shit into boxes, and cursing my husband for convincing me paper plates were a waste of money. I mean, really, it was stupid of me to think I'd have a moment to write in the empty living room, but c'mon.

However, I am quite skilled at throwing all the things.

Get.the.paper.plates.

2. Do Not, Not Buy Wine or Alcohol

No, I'm serious. It honestly should be the first thing on every packing list. It should be the first thing on this list. Go to your local Costco, and buy a box of your favorite wine. Pack it in a safe place in the truck, or even fasten it snugly in your trunk. Because, when you arrive? You'll want the wine.

As you pour through boxes trying the find the fucking can opener, or trying to find the coffee maker so you don't feel so twitchy, you'll want wine. When your kids go from their normal 400 questions a day to a total of eleventy billion questions, you'll want wine. When you eldest kid, who is bored because you still haven't found the toys, follows you around singing, "I'm following you aroun-ound", you'll beg for wine. When you get lost getting home, you'll want wine. When you talk to your BFF on the phone, and miss her face, you'll want wine.

Get the wine.

3. Don't Try To Look Like A Normal Member Of Society 

My fourteen year old self would be so impressed that I actually need someone to remind me to get dressed. She would be even more impressed (mortified, if you aren't of the sarcastic variety) that occasionally, on days, like when I move, and totally just threw clothes into three separate suitcases and managed not one full outfit for myself in any form, I walk around in public with dirty, stained, clothing.

She'd probably also punch me in the shoulder for that run on sentence. Pretentious bitch.

If you want to go for the total package, don't shower. Sometimes, also forget to put on deodorant. It adds a certain beauty to the ensemble.

Seriously? Don't be like me. Do some laundry, specifically for moving. Make it easy to get to. And before you get out of the car, or go into public, check your shirt. Your pants too.  Or do, and then we can be hobo friends. I have wine.

4. Forget The "Fucking Hippy Music"

Get the techno rave music. The one with the base and the thumping and repeating words. You'll need this for when you hit that peak of the two energy drinks, the large double double from Timmy's, and the three totally unnecessary caffeine pills you consumed. It'll be right about the point when you start talking to yourself like a coke addict, and wondering why you can't stop blinking. Suddenly your "fucking hippy music", is not stimulating you enough because of all the things you need, stimulation is probably the first. So because you were unprepared, you listen to Scream And Shout on repeat, loudly screech singing, while doing the chest-arm fist pump dance. While driving.

Remember you haven't showered or changed into proper clothes in almost 24 hours. Twitch.

5. Don't Keep Your Stuff

Instead of a moving van, hire a dumpster. Then throw all your shit away. Go to the store, and get them to deliver all the new stuff. You'll manage a handful of boxes, and suitcases.

Pretty sure I lost of my hippy status with that advice. Moving stuff is hard. Especially when you have too much stuff.

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The gist of it? We're in our new place. We''re making it a home. I still need wine.